I am still a mother Part X

*sigh* Where do I begin.....It was on this day last year that my life changed completely. I remember having back pains the night before and my mother and sons father told me to stay off my feet. I slept through what I didn’t know at the time were contractions. I called my doctor that morning he kept saying I’m just constipated. That didn't make sense to me and I knew something was wrong....I called my sister and she came to take me to the doctors. The midwife placed the fetal Doppler on my stomach and I remember fearing that there was no heartbeat. I was wrong! My baby was still there!! His heartbeat was strong as ever! So why was I bleeding? Why was there fluid when I sneezed? They sent me home....to wait two hours to get a sonogram. I called my son's dad and my mom to tell them I had another appointment at 2pm and to meet me there....I never made it to my doctor's appointment.

I was home alone when I delivered my son...I had to call 911 on my own. I had to call my mom and tell her I just loss her first grandchild....I had to call my son's dad to tell him I just loss OUR baby.. I had to call my sister back and tell her the baby was GONE! I SCREAMED but no one could hear me!! I didn't have any neighbors at the time. All I remember is the ambulance was there in 2.5 seconds and so was my grandmother. Till this day I can't look at my grandmother the same she was so hurt she had no idea what to do. My mother who was in Randallstown at the time made it to my house off Perring Pkwy before the ambulance pulled off. I just keep remember her saying where’s the baby!! I never ever saw my mother cry before. She was always strong but not with this.

I was angry for a long time; I was depressed for a long time. I withdrew from family and friends. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I was so embarrassed.....BUT GOD, he turned it. I stopped being angry and was more so disappointed, I was no longer embarrassed. I learned that not everyone is your friend and those that you think should be there for you when you go through something probably won't. I would be lying if I said I was "over it". I don't think I ever will but as time goes on, I am slowly finding peace. I will never be the Tamira I was a year ago and I am okay with that. The new me has learned to put myself first.

I am still a mother because I carried a baby no matter how briefly. I held my son for as long as I could and I counted what were his toes and fingers. It looked like he would have had my eyes; big and beautiful. I haven't experienced negative comments to my face but what I did experience was the people who were congratulating me on my pregnancy were nowhere to be found when I loss him. Its hurtful for people to just talk to you as if you didn't just lose a child or for it to be expected for you to have moved on.

I don't have any pictures of my son and that’s one thing I regret. I was so angry I didn’t want any, and the hospital I don't believe treated me fairly. For one, they should have never sent me home that day. They didn't give me an option to properly handle my son. Why because I wasn't "that far along". SO WHAT! That was still MY baby. no pictures or memories but this bear has my sons heartbeat in it so I will cherish that and the first sonogram forever.

My advice to a grieving mom is simply to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't. Cry all you want because in the morning you will have to make it right ( I saw that on Being Mary Jane). That morning can be two days, weeks, months or years after your loss. The point is that you will get enough strength to live. Its unrealistic to expect you to be okay especially if the loss is fresh. My second piece of advice is to talk about it with others. Don't be embarrassed and don't pretend it didn't happen.

Its been a year and I’m still lost, I’m still sad, but I still have my faith and I know that I will be a mother really soon. God needed my baby as hard as it is for me to say that, I know he is going to give me double for my trouble and he’s about to pay me back for all the heartache. Thank you all for your prayers and support this last year.

Love,

Elijah's Mommy


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